On With Your Story

Mark Twain toasted women at a Washington DC correspondents’ banquet in 1868. It’s outmoded but still funny. Here’s a link to the full text (be sure and read the expurgated parts marked by asterisks, they are the funniest bits.).  In short, he says–

“Wheresoever you place woman, sir — in whatever position or estate — she is an ornament to that place she occupies, and a treasure to the world. Look at the noble names of history! Look at Cleopatra! look at Desdemona! look at Florence Nightengale! look at Joan of Arc! look at Lucretia Borgia. Well, suppose we let Lucretia slide. Look at Mother Eve! You need not look at her unless you want to, but Eve was ornamental, sir — particularly before the fashions changed!  . . . I repeat, sir, look at the illustrious names of history! And, sir, I say with bowed head and deepest veneration, look at the mother of Washington! She raised a boy that could not lie — could not lie. [Applause.] But he never had any chance. It might have been different with him if he had belonged to a newspaper correspondent’s club. [Here, the reporters heartily booed Twain.]

As a sweetheart she has few equals and no superiors; as a cousin she is convenient; as a wealthy grandmother with an incurable distemper, she is precious; as a wet nurse she has no equal among men! [Laughter.] What, sir, would the people of this earth be, without woman? They would be scarce, sir.

Then let us cherish her — let us protect her — let us give her our support, our encouragement, our sympathies — ourselves, if we get the chance. But, jesting aside, Mr. President, woman is lovable, gracious, kind of heart, beautiful — worthy of all respect, of all esteem, of all deference. Not any here will refuse to drink her health right cordially, for each and every one of us has personally known, and loved, and honored, the very best one of them all — his own mother!”